Red Cedar
More apocalypse, less angst
i can make it all normal again
emotional breakdown my naturopath says…. and i think she’s right. some speculation the anesthetic has caused me to become unglued (maybe even moreso than the pain) – as some people have reactions in the body bordering on highly traumatic (the body, in reduction under anesthesia thinks it is being killed, and the brain reacts corresponding to that) – my brain, thus is in some sort of re-ordering process.
or something like that – this is what i surmised from reading i have done in the past on trauma and anaesthesia (since my last experience with it), and what came out in my appointment last night.
this is destabilizing – not to mention the effects of the wicked insomnia that has wracked me the last two nights, leaving me in a vaguely hallucinatory state this morning – the way that a new day never seems like a new day when you haven’t slept the night before, as if the act of not sleeping blurs the passing of days.
i know – poor me right? i am aiming for a time not so far in the future when my posts are somewhat more hopeful. i think one good night’s sleep should do it (tonight maybe?) – but in the interim my thoughts are random and unsustained and mostly pretty dark.
i stayed in town last night after the naturopath and went to the meeting about a memorial project (as yet firmly undetermined), then spent the night at margot’s. i think this was a way better idea then going home after the doctor as i ran into several people in my hang about east van, ate really good noodle soup at the mekong, and got to connect with friends….. i’ve been way too isolated this last week, mostly intentionally – but i’ve come to realize this is not so good for my mental state at the moment.
so onward i must go – hoping that work will eventually make everything seem normal (the routine, the easy-relationships with my co-workers, my cubicle papered in pictures of fish and underwater hydrothermal vents, the sheer everydayness of it all)…. now onto a meeting to discuss another revamping of an old online project.
One Comment on “i can make it all normal again”
Red Cedar 
‘allo megan
okay, it totally weirded me out when i read your post online – since i’d totally missed it getting forwarded to my email. but hi!
kinda scary having someone local find me… it’s so much easier spilling my guts to strangers and my sisters.
good to see you!