believing, doing, being

this much i know at the moment – i am not the same person as i was a week ago – but that doesn’t mean i know exactly what has changed except things are going in different. i write now from my laptop, sitting in my car on the ferry to the big island listening to philip glass and wishing i was heading out on a solo road trip of some sort rather than going to visit my family for the holidays.

i am feeling obstinate today – days of tears, lack of sleep and too much alcohol at the wake leaving me in a numb state unable to figure out the next step where to?

coming into the city yesterday cast a different light on community and i wondered about whether i really do belong there – or in the country where i am living now. i have decided this morning not to argue with myself either way but to live out the year i have rented my house for and then ask my heart again what it wants. i think i could live in the city if i could convince myself it is possible to be healthy there – which in the last two years i have increasingly doubted to the breaking point of leaving.

i am unapologetic in this lack of certainty – am wondering what following my heart really means not just for me but for those around me. i feel the need to make some sort of a physical journey soon – i think a road trip to visit those who i feel lost to, who feel lost to me – something to confirm my internal wanderings in real space.

these days i feel splitting apart at the seams, so full of everything my 31 years has been and somehow condensing ever more into this being – and although i know i need to find the essence, i am easily distracted by all the things i could do instead. like the raccoon who dies because he won’t let go of the shiny silver set in the trap – we become conflicted between our desires and in the end forfeit our very lives. this is what i fear in myself….. this struggle for naught.

i honestly believe that every day is a chance to be new again, to fill in the blanks and move forward – but while that is easy to say, it is not always so easy to see. and change is never easy to make lasting so imprinted we are with all the previous moments in our lives, so sure our freedom to change is hampered by our childhoods as a fait d’accompli. however, it is only in believing that we can be doing – otherwise why would we get out of bed each day? it can’t all be biological drives and habit….. (or can it?)