heal thine self

i have been so wanting to post these last few days but haven’t been able to find the time between work busyness, finishing a paper for school and after-work appointments.

there is energy moving through me this week, positive and negative – but moving nonetheless. i had an illuminating session with my naturopath on tuesday – and although it feels as though we are coming back to the same question over and over again – each time i am a little more ready to confront it.

ironically i have realized that in order to clear myself enough to become a counsellor, i am going to have to stop playing the role of therapist for my mother. i have been sitting with this for the last couple of days, and although this is something i acknowledged intellectually in the past, it is starting to stick a little in the bones for a change. i need to clean up that relationship, but in order to i need to detach from the desire for acceptance. how does one do that?

this clearing in me has sudden motion, and it has become recently apparent that in studying to become a therapist, i am getting more out of my therapy – while at the same time the therapy i am in is teaching me what it is to be a good therapist.

this is the definition of healing relationship i most resonate with at the moment:

the basic work of health professionals in general, and of psychotherapists in particular, is to become full human beings and to inspire full human-beingness in other people who feel starved about their lives.
–Chogyam Tungpa

this notion of being is rolling about, and a memory of a friend of mine keeps coming back to me. back in the spring this friend (who is also studying the healing arts) came to visit me in a city i was travelling through. we only had a few hours together and he suggested we get some food and go to a park in the university district to try an experiment of “being in the moment” together. by this he meant to be truly present only in that moment together, to talk neither of the past nor the future for the duration of our lunch, but only to focus on exactly where we were.

this was an exercise in just being – and i was utterly miserable at it – though i managed it for short periods, i would always find myself drawn back in memory – or forward to the next time i might see this friend.

my mind has returned often to that afternoon as my skill of just being and enjoying present moments, has increased with my sense of firm footing in the world (“remember your feet” says my naturopath as this is my exercise in grounding the body out of the intellectual realm in which i primarily reside). i find myself exploring the world in new ways, guided by the practices of being.

this feels new – a strength based not in displayed capability, but in good grounding – can i practice this always or is it just passing through?