balancing?

i am having a really difficult time motivating myself at work this week – i just really don’t feel bothered to get on any of the tasks i have on my to do list. this is fine, in that no one notices, but it drags on me – making every little thing feel like a giant chore.

i have some new ideas of projects i want to make for my house – i think is part of the problem – i would rather be doing something interesting to me than working here at my computer which has no real reward-value to it.

i keep forgetting to post pictures of the rug i am working on, i have gotten the outlines of the birds done and am now working on the fill colours. i think that it should be done by christmas which will make it a six-month project all together. i need to stretch the canvas after i finish the stitching because it has gotten a little warped in shape, probably from some poor technique on my part. after i finish this, my plan is to start on a couple of large sitting pillows for the floor – stitched on a large-point canvas in wool. i have a book of beautiful designs from india i am thinking would make very luxurious work – in rich dark colours. in any case, i mailordered 2 yards of 7 point canvas today on the internet as it is impossible to find in most fabric or craft stores (small gauge canvas is easy to get, but the rug canvas is not).

on my way to work this morning, i was looking down from the bus into the interior of this brand-new bmw and the man driving the car was talking on his cel phone – showing all his big bleached teeth while some built-in computer screen flickered in the dash. i am not sure what it was about all of that combination – but my desire to get off the bus and smash that car to little tiny pieces was overwhelming. all these cogs in the machine we are, purchasing merrily until the crash…. perhaps i am angry that the man seems so blind to how he contributes to that, perhaps i am angry at my own cog-like behaviour whirring steadily to work in the city day after day.

who knows- what i do know is that i would very much like to be done with the city entirely but that isn’t a possibility – so in the meantime all i can do is enjoy things as they unfold, take pleasure in the fact i have a good place to live where the air is not totally polluted, and that i am currently inspired to create beautiful and useful things to adorn my life. perhaps it is healthy that i have both an urge to destroy and create simultaneously – a balanced approach for a change?