poor me

having a day that’s tilted me in the wrong direction – after all these good days of lightness – i guess i need it to balance me back over or something.

i dreamed last night about steve m. getting out of prison – how i went there to see him, and see if he had changed – and when i went to touch his arm, i knew he hadn’t made any progress at all, like an electric shock went through me – later in the dream hunted by him, there was no horror – only fear of being caught. i woke up tired this morning from running all night in my sleep, tension in my limbs as though holding myself away from danger. i realized this morning the need to find out his release date so i can work towards it without the irrational fear that he’s somehow going to show up on my doorstep.

on my way to work, there was a car accident in front of me at the corner where i take the bus – no one was hurt, two minivans collided at a moderate speed, but it sent my nervous system into a frenzy in any case, it being so early in the morning and all.

this was on top of the phone call with my mom last night who is back on anti-depressant medication, and another call from my friend d. (who has been in jail for the past 8 years) who is having trouble dealing with emotional welling and self-forgiveness.

and one of my strike co-ordinators quit yesterday and won’t provide a reason, and work is crazy, and i have to go to a union event tonight after work and lobby mps (which i hate doing).

today i’m feeling a bit of the “poor-me” syndrome, and though i’m not in any real emotional duress, i would like to crawl under my desk and hide from the world at the moment.

someone commented to me recently that i come across as cynical in some of my writing – i don’t think it’s so much that i’m cynical but i just get tired, and to the point where i feel like i’ve really had to deal with enough…..

of course, all this is making me really look forward to my hiking trip this weekend! a remedy is in sight!