saturday night hot as hades

and i’m sedentary though sweating, lounging about the apartment trying to motivate myself to go out and do something. i think the lethargy is going to win even though it’s illuminares tonight and there’s also a party up the street – my ability to deal with crowds of people is thin in general – i’m becoming a recluse in my old age.

the sun has just gone down behind the trees, which means i can sit out on the balcony and look down on the scrabbly park across from my house – it gets so overused in the summer that by the beginning of august almost all the grass is dead and spread thin over brown patches of weed and dust. scabby ground cover or not, there are always people there in the summer – apartment dwellers who have no luxury of a backyard, children taking advantage of evening sun, drug dealers waiting for clientelle by the cenetaph – a cross-section of living underfoot. of all the places to live in vancouver i think i chose the most interesting one, and have not often been sorry for it.

i packed a little today, ran errands in the morning before the heat overtook, and did my first ever beaded wire-work as a way of keeping my mind off the noise of the indy race and the smell of the chicken plant. i thought about getting out of the ‘hood for the day, but the effort of driving and the knowledge that everything close by would be packed with people, kept me close to home – dreaming of next weekend in cool mountains.

tomorrow i have an all-day union meeting (yes, on a sunday) – to discuss the possibility of a strike upcoming. i keep silently hoping it doesn’t come to that. as an area strike organizer i’m responsible for several worksites (totalling 1500 workers), and galvanizing people to take up the line – but my heart just isn’t in it this time around. i definitely think we should be getting a better offer, but i’m just pretty worn out from political organizing these days and more and more enjoying time off and to myself to do creative and personal work.

forever i have been an activist, and since i gave myself permission to take a break this year, my desire for personal freedom and autonomy has only grown – making me resentful of the struggle rather than a willing participant.

i’m sure it will pass – there’s too much injustice in the world to stay away from organizing forever – and in any case, even during my “break” i have continued to work on the projects i deem essential to my self-identity as a hell-raiser.

what happens when i give those up too? who do i become then?