Yeah, I'm going to keep living after all.


window.jpg It’s been difficult to choose my words for this page in the last week as my life has recently become the subject of some internet debate and attack, which I have no wish to fuel further. I’m finding it difficult to be constrained from writing about the thing most pressing in my mental life – but my private thoughts turned public would be a mistake at this juncture. I will say however, a thanks to those of you who have sent me words of support and love. As always, these are of immense significance in helping me to ground during difficult times.

I have been ill in the past two weeks as well which has not helped my overall ability to cope… At least now I believe I have an answer to some of it, and am taking supplements and other measures to rectify the imbalances in my body (which of course spring from a deep and ungovernable response to stress). I am really lucky to have a naturopath I trust, even though I don’t see her regularly anymore (too expensive since I moved back to the city). Good she’s around the corner from me when I need a consult! I must say that I have caught myself by surprise at a whole new level of neurotic dysfunction these past ten days or so. I tend to believe this is the returning wave from two months ago – as nothing else in my life warrants this type of angst at the moment.

Today feels like turning a bit of a corner even though I’m still fatigued and don’t feel super-hot… the homeopathic remedy and cranial sacral treatment yesterday seem to be putting my nervous system back in order which is going to help a hell of a lot in settling down my stomach and other unhappy internal organs. I have managed to catch up on email and tackle a couple of work problems needing my attention. Having realized that I’m not going to die from my mystery illness has gone a long way to encouraging me to behave more functionally. Sheesh! You think I would know better by now (it’s all in your head dear, just get used to the voices and it’ll be okay).

On another tack, I’m hoping to get 2 or 3 hikes in this weekend, even if I have go slow and be all sickly about it…. I need to get myself into the woods and breaking in my new hiking boots for the trip at the end of August. (And don’t even get me started on my neurosis about that trip. If it wasn’t for Aaron’s endless coaxing I would have bailed months ago. It really doesn’t help that I have a new co-worker who feeds this with her own weird anxieties about the world. Not that I’m trying to pass the buck on this. But still. It doesn’t help.)

Anyhow. Despite the anxiety. Despite the neurosis. This is my plan for the weekend: Some hiking, some visiting with friends, some sleeping and a general tidy-up of my house, not to mention some reading and some fabric cutting (quilt). I mean, I am going to live after all, so I might as well get at it again.

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